CF: Free at last, free at last!
Here’s what I thought of Episode 10 (entitled “Chapter 10”) of the Season 6 finale of FX’s American Horror Story: Roanoke.
So, it’s PaleyFest and FX are being all condescending as fuck about Comic-Con fans. Nice one FX, I hate you even more now. It is a Q&A panel with the cast and producer of My Roanoke Nightmare. It is after the first season and before everyone dies in the second one. Fans ask really dumb questions and it ends with a hug-a-thon and autograph session.
We learn nothing new from this scene.
CF: We do learn that Cuba Gooding, Jr., wants to get hugs when everyone else is getting hugs. And I get the feeling that the way Evan Peters’ character acted when he went to get the hug is pretty much how Evan is real life.
RT: Good points. Excellent expansion on the Roanoke universe FX *high five* 😉
CF: I did more character building with that one line than AHS did all season.
In fact, this entire episode is basically bulked out with flashbacks we have already seen and backstory we already know. FX bulks it out further still by using every string they can possibly pull in the media to make the episode look edgy and as reality TV AF.
CF: And just like regular reality TV, I was bored as fuck by this. I think I may have actually dozed off for a minute or two while this shit was playing.
RT: At one point, I seriously considered foregoing this episode. Like you, there’s a reason I chose drama over reality TV.Next up, it is a story on Crack’d that tells us the main backstory we already know about AHS Roanoke. Then we move on to the court case involving Lee (Adina Porter). She is now being tried for all the murders she committed in the house that were caught on tape. Lucky for her though, she smoked some pretty unique Polk weed and there is not really enough evidence to get her sent to jail.
They then decide to go after her for the original murder of her husband, Mason (Charles Malik Whitfield). She gets acquitted of this too.
CF: I can see her getting acquitted for killing her husband, because a good defense lawyer would be able to establish reasonable doubt due to her being tortured around the time she gave her confession, but the other shit? She was actually seen killing people! How the fucked do you build reasonable doubt around that? “Your Honor, at the time my client was killing people she was possessed by a woodland spirit due to eating a pig’s heart, so she cannot be held accountable for her actions.” Yeah, that works for me!
RT: Seems legit.
So now we know why Lana Winters (Sarah Paulson) has come out of hiding: to interview Lee.
CF: And, as it was pointed out to me, to get her Botox fix.Some questions are asked, we discover Lee and Mason’s family are in a custody battle over Flora and then Lana announces Flora had been reported missing an hour before the interview. So, Lee, where the fuck are you hiding her? Before we can find out, Lot Polk (Frederick Koehler), turns up, trying to kill Lee for killing his family. Needless to say, Lana manages to talk him down a bit and security guard shoots him dead before he can actually do anything about Lee.
Next up, we get some new footage. This time from Spirit Chasers.If you have ever seen an episode of Ghost Hunters, this is basically what goes down for a bit in Episode 10 of American Horror Story. We find out this trio of idiots (one of which is Emma Bell, who played Andrea’s sister, Amy in AMC’s The Walking Dead) have broken into the Roanoke house and have brought the actor who played Cricket along with them. Illegally broken into the Roanoke house, I might add. Nice. Thanks for making ghost hunters look like criminals FX.
CF: Emma Bell’s character in this show has something in common with her character Amy: once more she’s The Walking Dead! Because you know her ass is gonna be pushing up daisies before the end of this episode.
To cut a long and dumb story short, Lee turns up at the house and Cricket and the Spirit Chasers mob get killed by the ghosts of the house.
CF: I have to point out that during this little nighttime shit parade, when the doors were slamming around Amy–I don’t remember her fucking name in this episode, so we’ll just go with Amy–she mentioned she hadn’t been this scared since they checked out that old asylum. Or should that be, Asylum? Way to fit in a reference to another season, FX.
RT: Haha! I noticed that mention too, and wished I was watching Asylum instead of Roanoke.
CF: Oh, that was been so much better.
Lee has been looking for her daughter for two weeks now and finally finds her in the house. This now, officially, makes it a hostage situation. Which means — you guessed it — FX gets a chance to do a breaking news live report on it. *rolls eyes*Turns out, Flora (Simone Baker) is the smartest one of the lot and basically admits while she is trapped in the house with Lee, that ghosts are way better than the humans she has to put up with. Now she wants to stay there with Prescilla (Savannah Liles). Forever. Lee tries all sorts of bullshit to try and get her daughter to not be suicidal. In the end, however, Lee agrees to let Prescilla kill her rather than Flora.Lee will stay in the house and protect Prescilla from the Butcher and Flora can come and visit on the holidays, and when it’s not the Blood Moon.
CF: And though Lee agreed to sacrifice herself and stay with Priscilla, this doesn’t really do anything to alleviate her daughter’s suicidal mood. I mean, did that suddenly flip off her daughter suicide switch? “Oh, I feel so much better now. My dead mom’s going to stay with my dead friend and I can come and visit on Thanksgiving and we can talk and eat turkey and shit! No, seriously: I’m not fucked up at all!” Again let me point out that this is the exact sort of fucking deal they had last season in AHS: Hotel, with the girl whose mother and little brother were vampires and her father a serial killer ghost and they’d all get together on Halloween and do wonderful family shit.
RT: Although, was she suicidal at the thought of having to live with her mother? Once Lee agreed to die, was Flora totally relieved and promised to visit on holidays but was really just, “Bye Felicia”?
CF: That’s entirely possible. Flora was staying with her grandparents, so they must not have been a real treat either if she wanted to die and stay with the spirit. Gotta figure this kid is going to be completely fucked up by the time she turns sixteen.
RT: Maybe a concept for Season 7 of AHS?
CF: They’re claiming that this next season may connect all the prior seasons, so who knows? American Horror Story: Fucked Up Teenager From Hell! Yeah, couldn’t be any worse than the shit we just watched.
RT: There is also a new rumour that Season 7 will be
Fear the Walking Dead Season 2 set at sea.
Except, it isn’t quite, the colony have turned up on account of all those living humans just waiting to be sacrificed on the Blood Moon.
CF: And the colony is gonna stay busy because you know dumb ass humans are just gonna keep coming out here to see what the fuck happens during the blood moon. Haven’t you guys watched YouTube? You know what happens out here: people fucking die!And then it really is the end and I am as glad as fuck that my recaps for American Horror Story: Roanoke are finally over! CF: I told someone early this morning my time that it felt to me as if there was some kind of bet going on in the writer’s room to see how much worthless bullshit they could put on the screen and still have work the next week. Yes, I know, they filmed this months ago, but knowing what Rachel and I know about the vetting process for scripts, someone approved this bullshit months before they started filming. And really, who sat down and said, “Guys, this is really good stuff,” because whoever the fuck that was should be beaten, or at the least left out for The Butcher to gut. Freak Show was weak, as was Hotel, but at least both of those seasons had a few redeeming qualities you could hang on to and go, “Okay, I’m interested just enough to stick around for another week.” Seriously, if it was not for the fact I didn’t want Rachel to go through the shit alone and I wanted to help her snark out on her recaps, I’d have bailed on his shit around Episode 4. Rachel reminded me early on that sometimes when your recapping and you get stuck with a worthless season, the only thing to do is hate watch each episode and let your feelings out when you recap. American Horror Story: Roanoke was that worthless fucker of the season, and it taught me something about honing my skill when it comes to wading through bullshit.
RT: To be honest, while rage-capping Roanoke was kinda fun, I’m not sure if I can do it all over again with Season 7 of American Horror Story And, once again, thank you so much for sticking around for Roanoke. It was always a relief to know I wasn’t the only one out there watching this crap.
CF: Next season is supposed to be the last for AHS and I would say that after this abomination, they have nowhere to go but up. But as we saw with Roanoke, apparently the writers feel they can put any goddamn thing they feel like putting on the screen and not give any shits about their audience, so seeing as how they apparently had no fucks left to produce a good season this year, what the hell can we expect next year? Let’s just say when the hype machine starts up next summer and we’re teased about what’s coming for the final season of American Horror Story, I’m going to start off assuming that they may not have found rock-bottom with this season and are going to keep digging.
RT: I agree entirely that someone should have put a stop to Roanoke in the writing stage. Because, to be honest, how many of us are really going to return for the last installment?
CF: Fuck off and keep right on fucking off, American Horror Story: Roanoke. You have been by far the biggest waste of ten hours I have ever experienced.
What did you think of the Season 6 finale of AHS Roanoke? Let us know by commenting below!
[Featured Image via FX]