So last week we found out that only one person involved in Return To Roanoke will survive the Blood Moon. Since then, people have been wondering if this means Sidney (Cheyenne Jackson) will be safe or not on account he won’t actually be in the house. This is cleared up pretty quickly in Episode 7 of American Horror Story: Roanoke. Sidney is killed by Agnes (Kathy Bates) right at the start of the episode. But not before Sidney can do a few more douche bag things like not give a shit about his missing assistant, Diana (who got killed by the pig man), and asking the camera man to get the camera when he discovers his new assistant has been stabbed.
CF: Sidney is the most worthless douche on this show, and that’s saying a lot. I was like, “Oh, he’s dead? What’s next?”Agnes then spends the rest of the episode being that one character who just won’t die.
And now no one in the house knows that the production crew are dead. Not that Sidney would have likely helped them before but now they are well and truly screwed.
In the house, the group are still looking for Rory (Evan Peters). Audrey (Sarah Paulson) thinks it is a stunt because Rory took the role in the Brad Pitt movie. She is also having age difference issues.
There is a lot of bullshit denial going on for a while but then Agnes shows up and stabs Shelby (Lily Rabe). Dominic (Cuba Gooding, Jr.) manages to wrangle Agnes off Shelby, but the deranged woman disappears before she can be properly dealt with.
CF: Because like in all good horror movies the villain just keeps coming back no matter what. Agnes could take a hell of a lot of punishment for some crazy bitch who just wanted back on the show.
The group decide it is a good idea to split up after this and go looking for the production trailer when an ambulance doesn’t arrive. Lee (Adina Porter), being the ex-cop and the only one smart enough to smuggle a gun into the house, is elected outside leader. Monet and Audrey go with her. Because leaving the Matt, Shelby and Dominic sandwich in the house is such a good idea.
CF: I would say Shelby should go up and take a shower, but that’s already happened.The outside group exit the house via the tunnels dug by Edward Mott. Because stupid people have stupid ideas. Naturally, Edward is pissed at having a full house again. Lee shoots him and they make a run for it.
CF: And how the FUCK did they shoot a ghost? You see Edward react when he’s shot–how? HE’S A FUCKING GHOST! It was about this time I began wishing I’d had some meth to smoke–
RT: Gotta love those AHS plot holes 😉
CF: I think of everything that happened in this episode, this pissed me off the most. What the fuck? Really? Cappin’ ghosts now?
Now fully outside, it takes them until dark to find the production trailer. Finding the dead crew, they freak out. They decide it is time to leave when they discover there are no phones or working cars. But then Agnes turns up and Lee shoots her.
The group take off into the woods and Audrey decides it is time to make one of those, “If you find this footage,” videos. Monet (Angela Bassett) turns up because, “oh look, is that blood on your forehead?” Yep, it is, but let’s ask if Audrey is bleeding first before you look up and see dead Rory hanging from the tree.
CF: Good thing she stopped right there in that very spot or we’d never seen what happened to Rory. *Eye roll*
RT: Yes, it’s like the ghosts know how stupid they are.
CF: “I think I’ll leave my body here. In a tree. ‘Cause why not? I should have done that Brad Pitt movie…”It is at this point I am wishing Agnes would turn up and kill the simpering Audrey. Watching her do a shitty British accent while she was annoyingly sobbing made me want to do this to myself:
CF: I say, love, pip pip and fancy a spot of tea? I was mentally tuning out at this point ’cause fuck these people.At least I kind of get my wish fulfillment.
Except it is the Polks and a taser. Unfortunately Audrey doesn’t die either.
While all this is going on, it turns out Agnes is STILL not dead, She is a complete film junkie, and records herself performing surgery on herself while keeping completely in character. She promises to burn the house to the ground by the end of the night.
CF: Shit, I was ready to burn the motherfucker down right THEN!
RT: IKR?! Why all the talking and filling up episodes with bullshit? Just burn that fucker down!
In the house, Matt and Shelby are having a bit of a moment and end up sleeping together (but in a sleeping way, not in a having sex way). Matt talks about how he hasn’t felt himself since they entered the house. Not long after the possibility of possession is brought up, Matt is shown waking up and walking down into the cellar. Dominic wakes up and follows.
Seeing his opportunity when he discovers Matt having sex with Scathach, goes and gets Shelby. Shelby responds by bashing Matt’s head in with a motherfucking crowbar.I’ll let that sink in a moment.
Yes, American Horror Story: Roanoke went all Negan from The Walking Dead this week. And that STILL doesn’t make the show any better *sigh*
CF: “Your Honor, I was watching The Walking Dead the other night and I thought this was gonna be a good idea…” I admit I laughed at this part because I knew they filmed this scene months ago and the AHS people thought EVEN THEN it was gonna be a good idea to rip off another show. Because we have no ideas at this point.
While all this is going on, the Real Polks are torturing Lee and making Audrey and Monet eat Lee’s flesh. Nice work guys.
Back to the house, and Dominic is trying to convince Shelby to give up the crowbar. Thinking the cops have arrived, Dominic looks out the window. Nope, it’s just Agnes throwing shit. Then the cavalry show up and Agnes finally works out shit is about to get real. Speaking of real, the Real Butcher isn’t Jessica Lange but that doesn’t stop her from cleaving Agnes’ head in two.
CF: And no more scene chewing for Kathy. Though with this bullshit who knows? I’m convinced they’re doing some kind of Blair Witch shit now…What did you think of Chapter 7 of American Horror Story: Roanoke? Let us know by commenting below!
American Horror Story returns to FX with Chapter 8 of Season 6 on Wednesday, November 2 at 10 p.m. ET.
[Image via FX]