Okay, to be fair, I am flat out saying it aloud now: I HATE this season of American Horror Story. I don’ t even care if Episode 6 is supposed to turn everything on it’s head. You know there is something wrong when you are siding with a character called “the Butcher” and you want the main characters to become human smores. But, without further ado, here’s my recap of Chapter 5 of American Horror Story: Roanoke.
CF: Gets the marshmallows and chocolate and kicks back.In Episode 5 of American Horror Story: Roanoke, we get to meet a historian. An actual, real-life, I shit you not, historian. Her job is, basically, to back up the fact stupid people have been buying this house for a really long time. She also dishes the dirt on Edward Phillippe Mott, the original home owner and a descendant of the batshit crazy Dandy Mott (Finn Wittrock) from Season 4 of AHS.
CF: Seriously? They sprung for a real historian? Did they spent too much of the episode budget on whatever shit they were snorting when they wrote this bastard and couldn’t get an actor? The bullshit is piling up and we’re only ten minutes into the episode.
For those of you who were excited about Evan Peters showing up, now is the time to sit the fuck down and have a stiff drink. Because Peters has pulled a stupid accent out of Kathy Bates bag of bad ideas and matched it with some left over costumes from Versailles. Which means he is officially Edward Mott. And if you wondered where Dandy got his cray-cray from, it’s this guy. He’s that horrible I actually start to like Matt (Andre Holland/Cuba Gooding, Jr.) and Shelby (Lily Rabe/Sarah Paulson).
CF: As I pointed out to Rachel this morning, though he may be Dandy Mott’s great-great-great-batshit crazy granddad, his accent was straight from James March, the crazy ghost who built the Hotel Cortz for Season 5 AHS: Hotel. Nearly all the mannerisms were the same, except James wasn’t having homosexual relationships with his slaves–or was he? Huge fucking waste of Evan, but that seems to be a running theme for AHS: We Got Nuttin’. At least he played the part to the hilt, which is what you do when you’re stuck in shit.
RT: I am glad you picked this up about James Marsh and pointed it out because I am yet to see Hotel beyond the first episode.
CF: It has it’s moments, but there’s a huge amount of wasted opportunity.So Edward Mott is so antisocial he leaves his wife and children to head to the hills for a tree change. He takes about a million servants with him. You know, because he doesn’t like people and all. He does, however, really like paintings and when his get damaged, he locks all the servants in a cellar and forgets about them. Well, to be fair, he is kind of busy, what with having sex with his fave slave, Guinness (Henderson Wade), and getting sacrificed on the blood moon by Thomasin (Kathy Bates). So, what does this have to do with anything we have seen so far in American Horror Story: Roanoke? Well, it seems Edward the ghost is introduced just in time to serve as a plot device to save Matt and Shelby’s arses.
CF: WHAT A FUCKING SURPRISE! I NEVER SAW THIS COMING! Goddamn, I really wished I’d had booze in the house ’cause I was ready to drink.
RT: Luckily I had plenty of booze. I am sure I drank enough to cover you as well 😉
That’s right, Matt and Shelby actually make it out of this episode alive. This is now they did it.
First, they decide to split up. The plan is Matt will distract the ghosties while Shelby and Flora (Saniyya Sidney) take off in the truck. This plan lasts exactly two seconds and then Flora is snatched right out of Shelby’s arms by The Grudge rip off ghost, AKA one of the Chen’s. The ghosts outside retaliate by setting fire to the truck.
CF: I said the same fuckin’ thing on my FB wall last night: when did this turn into The Grudge? Scraping the bottom of the barrel here.
An axe through the door sends them down into the basement (because, for some reason, none of the ghosts seem to have access into the house right when they really need it). This is where Edward makes his appearance and leads Matt and Shelby to the great outdoors via a tunnel that has never been mentioned before it was needed.
CF: There was a throwaway line between Crazy Mott and his Lovey Dovey about needing to continue the underground digging, but it wasn’t until he showed up that you understand what’s going on.
RT: At first I thought they were talking about the cellar where Elias was, but, nope, they were digging up a plot device instead.
CF: I thought about the cellar as well, but nope, that was the train to Fuckitville. Which brings up the question: why did he need a tunnel? Oh, yeah: plot device two hundred years in the future.
RT: Exactly! He did say it was to keep his precious paintings safe. But, realistically, why would a safe room need a tunnel out? And, who gives warning they are about to steal paintings anyway. Was he thinking he would get a telegram and have the time to move them? Oh, yeah, no. Because, plot device.
So, now they are in the woods and Edward dumps their sorry arses there with some lame excuse that he doesn’t like people and wants his house left alone and that’s why he suddenly decided to save them and not any of the previous owners.Because nothing good can ever come from wandering in the woods at night, Matt, Shelby and Flora bump into the Polks. They take them back to their place for no other reason than to use Denis O’Hare one last time before they kill him properly. Then the Polks remember they had a deal with the Butcher and return the human sacrifices back to the house. On the way, Matt manages to kill the Polk driving. Shelby knocks another out of the back of the truck. That just leaves Momma Polk (Frances Conroy).
So, instead of shoo-ing her out of the truck, they decide it would be safer in the woods. Yes, those fucktards just leave that truck and the gun and walk into the MOTHERFUCKING FOREST.
Please, Kathy Bates, can you fix this shit up now?!
CF: Kathy seems to be the only one having fun with this. Any chance she’ll kill the producers before this is over? But walking away without the gun, or not taking the truck? At some point it’s not even good parody: it’s just lazy ass writing.
RT: Considering everyone seems to have a car in this episode, surely Matt and Shelby could figure out the whole “driving and escaping” thing?
CF: That’s too much work. Better to take a shower.But, oh no, Kathy Bates does not fix this shit up. Instead, Lee (Adina Porter/Angela Bassett) returns to the house with a cop because no one is answering her calls. She gets there just in the knick of time. She tells the cop to call in for back up. But that cop is a smart one and reverses his car the fuck out of there and does no such shit as calling for backup.
And Matt and Shelby still don’t die.
Instead, Lee finds another car from somewhere else just as Thomasin’s own son turns on her rather than kill Flora. Because, suddenly, he has decided enough is enough in regard to this annual sacrifice shit. Or something.
This means Matt, Shelby and Flora escape to a motel and I am officially done with this shit!But, only until next week when I will recap Episode 6 of AHS Roanoke 😉 Hopefully, Episode 6 really will be as special as everyone involved with the show have been saying. Or, maybe it is just Matt and Shelby returning to their house to collect their shit. On. The. Next. Blood. Moon.
CF: Did you hope that when Momma Polk whacked Shelby that she’d cut her foot off? I was really hoping for that. And for everyone to die. And maybe an explosion or two…
RT: I really want your version of how this episode ended now.
CF: They are gonna have to put some serious shit from their behinds to save this season, ’cause five weeks in and it’s complete shit. Maybe if next week we have Lady Gaga rouging Evan Peter’s nipples? That might help redeem it a little–just a little.
RT: I seriously think you need to write for them Cassidy. You not only fixed the end, but you put Lady Gaga and Evan Peters in the same scene. I want more of that shit right now!
CF: Then you have to see AHS: Hotel. There are lots of scenes of Evan Peters and Lady Gaga together, and it’s usually her trying to look bored while keeping a straight face as Evan acts like a total maniac.
RT: I could watch the shit out of that!
What did you think of Chapter 5 of American Horror Story: Roanoke? Let us know by commenting below!
American Horror Story returns to FX with Chapter 6 of Season 6 on Wednesday, October 19 at 10 p.m. ET.
[Image via FX]