CF: Which means, get ready for some hate recapping.
Shelby (Lily Rabe/Sarah Paulson) is still notably pissed at Matt (André Holland/Cuba Gooding, Jr.) for having sex with Lady Gaga. Matt is still denying it ever happened. They sort out it out pretty quickly though and Shelby decides to take a bath. By herself. With the shower curtain drawn as she enters. Because nothing could possibly be behind the curtain, could it? Except the motherfucking Pig Man. Shelby does what every stupid woman in a horror movies does, which is scream and fall over her own feet. Luckily Matt is there and not off in the woods having sex with Lady Gaga so he can drag her to safety.
CF: Right here was my first eye roll: “I caught my husband fucking a strange woman in the woods; my niece is missing; and I turned my sister-in-law over to the cops for fuck all reason. What should I do now? I know: I’LL TAKE A SHOWER!” For fuck’s sake, like NO ONE saw this shit coming.Except there is nowhere safe in the house. Luckily Dr. Elias Cunningham (Denis O’Hare) appears from absolutely nowhere and axes that fucker down. Elias then explains a whole bunch of backstory via the journals he keeps. In the basement. That’s right, because the house isn’t creepy enough without him having to hide all his notes in the scariest room in the house.
So, it turns out many people have gone missing from the house until Elias came along. The official news reports say they all went missing or abandoned the house. The real reason is because they have become human sacrifices to Thomasin’s (Kathy Bates) and Lady Gaga’s blood lust. Elias brought the house to prevent people stupidly moving in and getting themselves killed. However, he mustn’t have really cared that much because he fell sort on the taxes one year and that is how Matt and Shelby ended up with the bargain from hell.
CF: How the hell do you waste Denis O’Hare like this? He comes in and dumps a shit-load of exposition on you and keeps saying, “I can help you.” No, you can’t, bitch, ’cause I think you’re dead but you can’t cope with that yet. (I’m calling The Sixth Sense rip-off right now!) Oh, and if he didn’t want anyone living in the house, why not, oh, I don’t know, burn the motherfucker down? There’s a good way of playing with these dumb tropes, and AHS ain’t doing it the good way—
RT: I also suspect he is dead. Which plays right into the “Dumb Shit We Saw Coming a Mile Off” category. And, yes, there are far easier ways to stop a house being used than NOT PAYING YOUR TAXES.Elias also explains that while the house is haunted, shit only really gets serious for six days in October during a particular moon. This, of course, is the first night. So, instead of LEAVING IMMEDIATELY, Matt and Shelby suddenly get serious about finding Flora (Saniyya Sidney). But, hey, that’s okay, Elias knows Prescilla (Estelle Hermansen) and they head out into the woods to negotiate. But, because of the fucked up killing moon, all the ghosts of previous sacrifices are out and about. They are taunting Flora. Elias approaches to talk to Prescilla but is shot by arrows instead.
CF: “The fucked up killing moon” was an alternate take by Echo and the Bunnymen. And yes: leave immediately, because a fucking PIG MAN jumped out of your shower and tried to kill you. But no, you’d rather stay in the fucking house and die like your niece said you would. Seems legit.
RT: I really wish all these bad spirits would follow through on their threats and kill Matt and Shelby like they did every other inhabitant of the house. Why are they waiting? Oh yeah, because Chapter 6 is a real “game changer.” Apparently.
Matt and Shelby then run back to the only safe place fucktards run to: the haunted house. Cricket (Leslie Jordan) answers the door. Boy are they glad to see him! He announces that he can fix all this shit. But first he has to take a long walk in the woods by himself.He returns hours later telling a tale of how he met up with Lady Gaga and she is as horny as hell. Knowing this, he offered up Matt as a bargaining chip. Besides this, we get a big chunk of Thomasin’s (Kathy Bates) backstory. It turns out the lost colony were doing just fine thanks to the human sacrifices Thomasin was offering up to Lady Gaga. But then the Christians fucked things up by whinging about the pagan ritual and Thomasin has to slaughter the lot of them to appease Lady Gaga. And that is how all this shit started.
Through all this, Shelby is still going on about finding Flora. Bitch, you need to cut your losses and run the fuck out of that house!
So, of course, they stay. *rolls eyes*
CF: Rachel, if you and I had watched this together we would have been throwing so much shit at the TV by this point. I was doing a lot of the same with eye rolling and moaning.
RT: Absolutely! Although, in some strange way it is like a car accident, I just can’t look away. I actually look forward to seeing just how dumb Matt and Shelby can be every week. AHS has fucked me up pretty good I realise.
Cricket, though, suddenly announces he needs to go back to his hotel and gather supplies before he can work his magic. So he leaves them there.
Before Cricket can even hit on his Uber driver though, they nearly hit Flora and Cricket takes off into the woods to find her.
CF: And this shit: “Have you heard of Gay For Pay?” What the fuck? I mean, come on: this whole fucking episode felt like it was a writer’s brainstorming session with people coming up with strange shit to put in the episode and they decided to keep EVERYTHING. This was some of the laziest-arsed writing I’ve ever seen on AHS, and there has been a lot of that over the years. Just fucking pitiful.
RT: I agree. For all means put in weird shit for shock’s value, but also know when it just isn’t needed.
Since Matt and Shelby now can’t contact Cricket, they decide a nap is the best thing to do. Bitches, just LEAVE THE MOTHERFUCKING HOUSE! Matt wakes up after a while and hears a noise. He heads outside to check it out and ends up getting jiggy with Lady Gaga in the cellar. He also thinks they had some sort of magical connection just because she showed him how she came into existence. And, really, she was just threatened to be burned at the stake by some sexist dudes who didn’t like chicks on boats. Before they could actually do it though, the gods of the lands stepped in and made Lady Gaga pretty bad arse.
CF: The fucking nap was the fucking end for me. We’ve already established that shit from OUTSIDE can come INTO THE FUCKING HOUSE–so what do we do? HOW ABOUT A FUCKING NAP???? For fuck’s sake, this really is the end–oh, what! They aren’t even CLOSE to stopping The Stupid Train…
RT: Do they even own a car anymore? Or did Shelby fuck it up too badly when she hit Thomasin? Regardless, considering all the walking they have done of late, just LEAVE THE FUCKING HOUSE. You can’t pay the mortgage when you’re dead and Elias obviously needs help remembering when to pay his taxes…Shelby wakes up and realises she must walk outside because she is all alone and no one is threatening her inside the house. Right at this time there is coitus interruptus thanks to Matt hearing Shelby scream. Going outside, he discovers Thomasin dragging in Flora. A sacrifice is nearly made too except Prescilla decides she wants her human plaything a little longer and Flora escapes.
But, that’s okay, the ghosties have back up: Cricket. Making sure to be quick about it this time, they gut Cricket like a fish.
CF: Which was the only cool thing to happen here and I was applauding ’cause I thought the same thing was going to happen to Shelby and Matt–what? Credits? NO, MOTHERFUCKERS! You can’t do this! Let them die, please!
By this point I am wondering why Matt and Shelby haven’t been gutted because I am over their stupid decisions, especially considering Flora said a few weeks back that they were going to kill them all and save Flora for last. Hopefully next week, yeah?
CF: Considering we’re getting the “Big Twist” in Chapter Six, I’m thinking Shelby and Matt die in Chapter Five, we find out that the ones we thought were real are fake, and the real Shelby and Matt come back as ghosts or some fucking shit.
In the past it’s usually taken AHS two or three episodes to get their shit together and look like there’s a story somewhere in all the crazy shit on screen, but not this time. This is simply fucking pathetic. They are so far off the rails they’ve lost sight of civilization. And seriously: if they launch into some haunted TV show and actors bullshit I will fucking lose it. I’ve been curious about AHS story lines; I’ve been disappointed; this is the first time I wanna walk away and say fuck it all, they are insulting me with idiotic behavior. If they were playing with tropes like Scream did, it would be better. But this is stupid bullshit on the screen for the sake of presenting stupid bullshit. There best be a payoff quick is all I can say.
And where the fuck is Dandy? I WANT MY DANDY!!
RT: I was truly gutted (no pun intended) when the promised Motts were relegated to a throw away line. As for this season in general, I have just rewatched Murder House and Coven and I am calling bullshit on this entire season.
What did you think of Chapter 4 of American Horror Story: Roanoke? Let us know by commenting below!
American Horror Story returns to FX with Chapter 5 of Season 6 on Wednesday, October 12 at 10 p.m. ET.
[Image via FX]