Chapter 2 of
stupid shit people do in horror movies American Horror Story: Roanoke starts with Shelby (Lily Rabe/Sarah Paulson) still in the woods back in the 1790’s. A human sacrifice is going on and Kathy Bates is taking a leaf out her Misery character days by turning the lowlife thief into the pig man before burning him alive. Lady Gaga looks on like she is ready to devour that bacon boy once he is crisp enough.
CF: This was my first eye-rolling moment. “You were right, Honey: It must be the hillbillies.” I’m rolling them right now thinking about what happened so I could write the previous sentence.
RT: Later on in Chapter 2 of AHS, I wondered if maybe Shelby was still thinking Matt really wanted the house and that is why she agreed with this story. Or that she figured if she didn’t run with the story, people would think she was nuts and lock her up. However, by the end of the episode, I am back to thinking they are just a couple of dumbarses.
CF: No one really seems to know what they’re doing. It’s like they’re taking mood altering drugs, so you have no idea how they’re going to be from moment to moment.We get to learn more about those two creepy nurses seen in Chapter 1 of AHS6. Like a whole lot more thanks to Denis O’Hare plot dumping like it is the Season 1 finale of The Kettering Incident. Basically though, we learn that these nurses opened up an aged care facility in the house and only accepted old people who no one gave a shit about. The second criteria is that the
CF: And when they were spelling out their word I was sitting there going, “Redrum, Redrum!” I only hope we get more of Denis soon because he was the highlight of Hotel and I hate to think he was wasted for that scene.
Then we find out that someone has changed the address of this aged care facility so even if Shelby and Matt knew how to Google, they wouldn’t have found out about the nurses apparently. This is not enough evidence to warrant a refund on the house though. Sorry guys, you are stuck being dumb idiots for a while longer it seems.
CF: Shelby and Matt really shouldn’t be allowed to sign contracts. I guess they left all their lawyer friends back on the west coast.
RT: Shelby and Matt should not be allowed to sign anything. Or make any decisions for themselves whatsoever. If they were any dumber they’d be rocks.
CF: I think the rocks make more sense at the moment.
The Stupid Shit Meter
Actually, most of what happened in Chapter 2 of American Horror Story: Roanoke probably belongs here. But, for the sake breaking this recap up a little, I have included only the truly stupid shit, not just the mediocre stuff.
- Lee (Adina Porter/Angela Bassett) is trying to prove she is a fit mother. So she thinks the best way of doing this is bringing her to the creepy house. What could go wrong? Think Amityville Horror level of wrong. Her daughter meets an imaginary friend, Priscilla. This friend agrees to an exchange which means Flora gets killed last. Well done Lee.
CF: If only Flora had been playing with a Ouija board when they found her…
- Can we just agree that the house is haunted already and that if you hear a weird noise outside when it’s dark, just stay the fuck away already? Shelby, next time, don’t go out there with a baseball bat, okay honey?
- But when you do (and we know you will), could FX agree to not rip off the Blair Witch Project anymore? I am over the twiggy dolls already. Blowing them up to be giant burning effigies that smell like bacon does not excuse you. But at least it is finally enough evidence for the cops to believe something is going on so they set out one of their own to watch over the house.
- Here’s a hint guys, if the red paint on the wall spelling out MURDE keeps bleeding through the paint job, wallpaper ain’t gonna fix that shit.
CF: And “Murde” is one vowel off from “Merde” and that’s what this episode became fast.
- Another hint, if you are seeing bloody piggy tails nailed up everywhere, get the fuck out!
CF: Or if you’re seeing pig-head guys in a mirror, get the fuck OUT! And that scene with Lee in the mirror… The moment she stepped in front of it I was like, “They’re gonna do a jump scare here, it’ll be in the lower left of the mirror, wait for it–” and sure as fuck there it was! They couldn’t have telegraphed it was coming more if they’d have started flashing “JUMP SCARE APPROACHING!” on the screen. That’s some lazy ass writing and filming.
RT: I totally agree this scene was just an exercise in how to poorly execute a jump scare moment.
- Lee falls off the wagon much sooner than I thought she would. So, to celebrate, she steals her daughter back from her husband and RETURNS TO THE CREEPY HOUSE. Because one visit is not enough apparently. When her husband calls, they send Flora (Saniyya Sidney) OUT OF THEIR LINE OF SIGHT to have a grown up conversation. So, of course, Flora disappears and they are the only ones surprised by this because they are dumbarses. Finding Flora’s jacket high up in the top of a tree was just the icing on the cake as far as I’m concerned.
RT: Hahaha! Absolutely.
What did you think of Chapter 2 of American Horror Story: Roanoke? Let us know by commenting below!
American Horror Story returns to FX with Chapter 3 of Season 6 on Wednesday, September 28 at 10 p.m. ET.
[Image via FX]