Without further ado, here’s my recap of Chapter 1 of American Horror Story: Roanoke.
So we start this first episode with anticipation and a little bit of confusion because the episode is called a chapter this time and there is some sort of documentary going on about a couple who brought a house in the woods without doing their research first. Meet Shelby and Matt and … Shelby and Matt:So, the thing is, in AHS Roanoke, we get to not only hear about the events, but also watch the reenactments. This is kind of weird as they appear to have chosen older people for the reenactments. But, at least we know Matt (André Holland/Cuba Gooding Jr.) and Shelby (Lily Rabe/Sarah Paulson) lived to talk about their Roanoke nightmare (which also happens to be the name of the doco they are a part of. The doco Matt (Holland) and Shelby (Robe) are adorable. Young, naive, into yoga. They decide to move to North Carolina after a random attack leaves Matt fighting for his life and causes Shelby to miscarriage. So, after not doing a google search for the area, they decide to just randomly buy a house. Naturally, it is as haunted as fuck by what we assume are the community that went missing back in 1587. This is a true story and I have googled it just in case Matt and Shelby (or you) want to check it out retrospectively. All the basic details can be found via this Wiki link. Right away Shelby knows they have made a mistake, based on a “feeling” she has. But then weird shit really does start happening. Like teeth raining from the sky and a couple of women walking through the house when Shelby is alone. But this can’t be proved so Shelby ends up looking like she’s suffering PTSD. And, besides, Matt is sure it’s just the racist rednecks that also wanted to buy their house. Even though he doesn’t believe her, he still installs a camera system so he can watch Shelby’s every move while he is away. Because nothing says “I love you” quite like secretly installing cameras. He also gets Shelby’s least favourite person in the world — his sister — to keep an eye on her while he is away for work. His sister, Lee ( Adina Porter/Angela Bassett), used to be a cop with an addiction. Now she’s not a cop and trying to stay dry.
Since no one is really believing Shelby, she decides to pull some classic horror moves. Let’s break them down. As well as the other stupid shit Matt did.
The Stupid Shit Meter
- Creepy shit happens, so Shelby decides to unwind by jumping in the hot-tub. In the dark. While no one else is there. When a ye olde villager with a flaming torch tries to drown her, I kinda get disappointed she survived.
- Using basic horror move #87, Shelby puts down the sharp knife when she decides to check out weird shit. Then she blames her sister in-law for stealing it when it turns up stabbed in her steak.
- So a dead pig turns up on your doorstep? Don’t go telling anyone about that. Whatever you do, please don’t report it. Instead, bury that bitch out in the backyard in a shallow grave.
- Blair witch dolls turn up hanging everywhere in your house. Run, don’t walk, to the nearest exit. That shit is never good news! Don’t be Shelby and Matt and decide to stay there.
- So, when you see weird shit happening on your stalker-vision and you return home to find your wife and sister had been locked in the basement for half an hour while someone hung the aforementioned Blair witch dolls, run, don’t walk. And, NEVER return. No matter how much you paid for the house. Burn that fucker to the ground to claim insurance if you have to, but never go back. Don’t be Shelby and Matt and decide to stay there.
- When your hubby is all loving the creepy house and you are not feeling all the feels too, move. But do it in the daylight. Not at nighttime after weird shit has happened like Shelby did.
- When you are fleeing the house in the middle night, never, EVER, check your phone. Ever. And, when you hit a person after checking your phone, just keep driving. Get to a town, call the cops there. Never, EVER, follow the injured person that is wearing ye olde clothing into the woods like Shelby did. You will ALWAYS get lost. Then you will stumble across shit like this:
American Horror Story returns to FX with Chapter 2 of Season 6 on Wednesday, September 21 at 10 p.m. ET.
[Image via FX]