Welcome to the battle segment of Season 6 of Game of Thrones where the battle may be epic but the war strategy is crap and Sansa Stark says the truest words ever spoken in Westeros; “No one can protect me. No one can protect anyone.” Because in Westeros, no one can hear you scream. Nor do they care about your screams so long as it shortens the queue for them on their way to claim the iron throne.
Here’s my recap of what went down in Episode 9 (entitled “Battle of the Bastards”) of HBO’s Game of Thrones Season 6.So this is the episode fans have been waiting for. The mythical “best battle scene ever” that is supposed to blow the battle of Hardhome in Season 5 of Game of Thrones right out of the water. So, was it any good?
Fuck yeah it was. In fact the battle was so epic that I can’t wait to re-watch the episode tonight without all the pesky note-taking so I can watch all the gore in its gratuitous glory. But, before we get to the battle of the bastards, there is a little housekeeping to take care of.
Remember how Tyrion’s (Peter Dinklage) plan to ease Meereen into slave-free existence backfired so spectacularly in Episode 8 of Game of Thrones? Well, this week Daenerys (Emilia Clarke) fixes that shit right up thanks to her fire-spewing dragons, but not before Tyrion has a PTSD episode where he remembers back to when another Targaryen was pissed as fuck and wanting revenge. And so the notion of wildfire being hidden under King’s Landing is brought up again and Game of Thrones fans can roll their eyes once more. We get it HBO, Cersei is going to find the wildfire so she doesn’t have to stand trial for crimes she actually committed.Now, before you think this storyline is sorted and the battle can commence, in walks the Greyjoys. Theon (Alfie Allen) is as apologetic as he can be considering he has no cock and Tyrion is the master of dick jokes. But Yara (Gemma Whelan), has her eyes on the prize and it is blatantly obvious HBO revealed Yara’s sexuality in Episode 7 of Game of Thrones specifically so fans could ship the shit out of Daenerys and Yara (Daeyara? Yarnerys?) in this episode. While Daenerys is only interested in making sure she is the one true queen and that the Iron Isles stop their pirating ways, she does need a fleet, and the Greyjoys certainly have one of those. So in the race to get to Daenerys first, it looks like Euron (Pilou Asbæk) just came last.
So. About that battle.
Was it epic? It sure was. It was also tense and dramatic and sad and rewarding and there is no way I can even begin to do it justice so just watch the episode already 😉 Well done HBO *claps* Here’s what went down:
- Firstly, Jon Snow (Kit Harington), Sansa Stark (Sophie Turner) and Davos (Liam Cunningham) ride out to meet with Ramsay Bolton (Iwan Rheon) and see if they can’t make a deal. Thanks to this one short conversation that ends with Sansa storming off and telling Ramsay to enjoy his sleep because he “will be dead by tomorrow” Jon Snow now knows everything he needs to know about Ramsay. Sansa, luckily, calls him on his bullshit and proceeds to tell Jon just how it is. She also knows Rickon Stark (Art Parkinson) is a dead Stark walking and tries to get Jon to harden the fuck up about that. Which he doesn’t but enough on that later…
- Sansa also announces she will never return to Ramsay alive, so if he wins, she dies. This gets Jon thinking about his own mortality and goes to Melisandre (Carice van Houten) to tell her not to bring him back if he should die on the battlefield. She tells him to fuck off. Which Jon does, but not before he does the sad face we all know and love so much.
- So, the battle is penciled in for the morning. After that there is an awful lot of talk about sleep. Thank you HBO for bludgeoning us with the notion Ramsay could be cowardly enough to sneak into camp while they sleep and attack. Of course this never happens, but it has gotten the viewer on edge and the true battle hasn’t even begun yet.
- Sansa was completely right about Rickon. Ramsay sets the littlest Stark free so he can not only hunt him like an animal but lure Jon away from his army and out into a position where he is trapped. This totally works too as Rickon has no idea of the concept of zigzag running to avoid being hit and Jon’s hero complex compels him to ride up to meet him. They get so achingly close too before Ramsay kills Rickon and Jon realises his great error. This is when the battle begins in earnest. And, luckily for Jon, his army don’t follow orders so well and by the time Jon is pooping in his pants thinking he is going to die, the wildlings are already there.
- But it’s not enough. It so isn’t enough. Ramsay is one sick fuck that enjoys this sort of thing more than Jon — or even Sansa — can predict which makes him the better strategist when it comes to war. In the end, Ramsay manages to round up the meager Stark army in much the way Jon was hoping to before Sansa told him Ramsay was smarter than that. Hmmm.
- It is at this point I am despondently admitting defeat. It looks like Jon will die on the battlefield and Sansa Stark will kill herself. Because Westeros is like that; the most miserable hellhole ever conjured up.
- But, wait, have you been wondering where Sansa was in all this? Yeah, I know she’s a chick and won’t be on the battlefield, but I thought there would be some sort of shot showing her and Melisandre biding their time as they watch from afar. But that’s not Sansa’s style any more. Instead she arrives with Littlefinger (Aidan Gillen) and the army of the Vale. She scares the shit out Ramsay so badly I just want to rewind and re-watch him shit his pants over and over again. So the Vale army charge on through and save the day and I am pretty sure Littlefinger has a boner thinking about how much Sansa owes him now.
- Ramsay, being the pathetic arse that he is, decides to hightail it back to Winterfell where it is safe. Um, no Ramsay. Because Jon has a giant (Ian Whyte) that rips out Winterfell’s gates. Jon finally doesn’t fall for Ramsay’s sweet talk and beats the shit out of him instead. Then Sansa arrives and Jon knows his job is done and locks Ramsay up for later.
- So Sansa pays Ramsay a visit. They talk a bit, and it is here that Ramsay says it doesn’t matter what she does to him, he will still live. on. If this isn’t a confirmation Sansa is pregnant, I don’t what is. It doesn’t make Sansa soft though. She sends the dogs in and thanks to Ramsay not feeding them for seven days, they are totally not going to heel when he tells them to. Instead they eat him for dinner. And Sansa smiles. She motherfucking smiles! I want to marry Sansa at this point.
— Jon Snow’s Manu Bun (@ManuclearBomb) June 20, 2016
RAMSAY BOLTON DEAD.
— Yaniu. (@yaniu8) June 20, 2016
- The whole battle scene. Every. Single. Bit. Of. It. It consumed me. I rode the rollercoaster, got spat out at the end and couldn’t believe that it was a 60 minute ride.
Tits and Dragons Meter
For a reminder of my rating scale, please visit here.
0.5 out of 5 for Tits. Technically there was nary a booby to be seen. But I have to give half a point for the lady boner Yara presented when Daenerys started talking about power.
4 out of 5 for Dragons. Considering the dragons were in this episode for such a short amount of time, they spent their time wisely. Between Daenerys riding Drogon and the trio burning the Master’s fleet to the waterline, I couldn’t have been happier with the way in which HBO allocated their CGI budget in Season 6 of Game of Thrones.
The Season 6 finale of Game of Thrones is Episode 10, entitled “The Winds of Winter” on Sunday, June 26, at 9 p.m. ET.
The official synopsis for Episode 10 of Game of Thrones is as follows.
“Season Finale. Cersei faces her trial.”
[Image via HBO]